I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
