I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
