You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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