DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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