I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
