1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
