Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
