his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
