ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
