My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
