We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize