mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
