forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
