I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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