Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
