My first STD was from a foam party
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
