Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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