I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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