why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
