awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
