I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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