Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i love accidental penises.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
