Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I love you. Go after that dick
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
