New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
