drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
