Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
