Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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