Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
