got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
