so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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