goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
