I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
