oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
