Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
