ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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