come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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