Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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