I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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