I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Randomize
