The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I need a beard to bite.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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