I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Randomize
