If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
