I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
