So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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