I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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