I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He shit in the fireplace
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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