You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
