did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
