I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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