I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
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Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
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Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
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