Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
