he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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