I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
