You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Randomize
