I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
