I think I died a long time ago.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
