my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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