She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
