went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
