I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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