there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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