After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
