I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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